Renewal and the Return.

My personal reflections on becoming a mother.

I am back! From the depths of pain, and recovery, I come with a renewed sense of self and an urgency to keep it real. In the early stages of motherhood, I found myself rekindling the connection to food and nourishment. Not all mothers can choose to breastfeed, and I find it a blessing. I have never had such intense hunger and need for consistent nourishment. Slowing down to eat and to breastfeed is also a challenge for me. It requires me to confront the conditioning of productivity. Again, and again. It requires doing less and being more present with the small, simple moments of life. This is the crux where mothering becomes a beautiful opportunity to renew and return. It is where motherhood becomes resistance to patriarchal capitalism.

The land knows you even when you are lost. - Robin Kimmer

In the great slowdown of becoming a mother, I took time off. Not just time off from my acupuncture work, time off teaching yoga, time off writing for others, but all together time off producing to be seen. I needed a deep renewal, and I could not find that while being seen. I needed to go deep within and find who I truly am, and not be influenced by the external world. I found renewal with the land and in the whole foods that come simply from the Earth.

I had a 22-hour labor that began at 11:30 pm and went until 9 pm the following day. During that time, I just had water, electrolytes, and some yogurt and honey. I was in the depths of transending pain and my own body-mind to birth a new body. My ancestors came through the matriarchal line to give me the strength to go on. I fadded out between contractions, resting in my husband's hands. My mother was my doula, reminding me of all the things I have done and persevered through, and patting the sweat off my head with a cool towel. Our midwife Nicole held a gentle container, allowing the process and never rushing the baby's timing. By the time our baby made it into the world, I was revived by pure ecstatic joy and bliss. I was not immediately hungry or tired, even though it took all of my Qi to birth our son.

I spent my first 40 days following the Chinese Medicine tradition of zuò yuè zi, "sitting the month". I was wiped out after the process of birth. What followed was 40 days of rest, renewal, and then a slow return. I ate only warm foods, I stayed inside throughout that time, and kept my womb, kidneys, and feet covered. It restored the warmth to my hands and brightened my intellect. Those precious days were just the beginning, and a sacred window of restoration. I learned that many cultures have traditions for new mothers that include similar parameters: warm foods, limiting outside exposure (especially to cold), being fed by others, resting, and focusing on the connection to the baby. I landed in motherhood by grounding in one place, the home where I gave birth.

From pregnancy through the postpartum period, my focus was on rebuilding and strengthening my Qi. I ate simple, whole foods that revived my Qi and nourished my essence. In Chinese Medicine, essence is the vitality that comes from the prenatal Qi. It is associated with the Kidneys and referred to as Jing. It is one of the three treasures, the others are Qi (energy) and Shen (spirit). Qi in this sense is postnatal and can be nourished by food and air. Shen is the pure spirit; it can get clouded by trauma and renewed by spiritual practice. To rebuild Qi, we need rest, nourishment, and clean air. To sustain Jing, we need not to overexert when our Qi is limited. And to purify Shen, we need meditation and a clear mind.

In the early days, I had emotional turmoil from anxiety about the baby's well-being, to frustration and anger about having to wake up multiple times a night. My shen was disturbed because my whole identity changed, and I navigated that with support from other mothers, friends, and meditation. I found that community and support were essential. If not for them I would have fallen into a deep postpartum depression. I dipped into it, naturally, a few times. Grieving the loss of who I was before being a mother, before I had to always be there for someone else. Grieving the changes in my workflow and the loss of time for writing, reading, and art. I tried doing all of those things and quickly realized it was more frustrating to try and then be interrupted than just set it aside. I knew I would come back to those creative works another time. The difficult emotions had more to do with resistance than anything else. I was resisting the big slowdown. Even though I had cognitively known it was coming. Having the brakes hit, I felt a loss of control. This is the medicine of motherhood, a deep recognition that I am not in control. I can only observe and respond. I can only control my own actions. The shift had begun, and the questioning of a culture I already did not resonate with deepened. Some mothers resist capitalism by becoming trad moms. This boom of the housewife life is a legitimate response. But, it is not authentic to me. I love keeping my hands in the healing arts and sharing my love of natural medicine.

Therefore, I am back, back to seeing patients at Taos Whole Health integrative clinic, back to teaching yoga, and back to writing. I am returning with a new sense of responsibility. Having a child invigorated my passion for community, health, sustainability, and regenerative practices. My blog and my readers matter to me still, and the time to renew has given me greater clarity for this return.